November 7, 2022 · 9:24 pm

Seen

Last week we joined the droves of people heading out for our annual candy collection on Halloween. The kids counted down for days until Trick or Treat finally arrived. This year we had a pilgrim, a hunter, and a ballerina.

We actually had good weather this year, which really brought out the crowds. We started out on the city block where we used to live, and at first there weren’t that many people walking the sidewalks with us. But as we headed for our second block, the crowds really ticked up. Our youngest can be a bit clingy in a crowd, so I was pleasantly surprised that she was running up ahead of us with her brother and sister. After retrieving her candy from each porch, she would turn around and make eye contact with me, making sure she knew exactly where I was. After we entered one particularly crowded area, I could see her scanning the crowd, searching faces for mine. There was just enough time looking that I thought she might start to cry. But I had my eye on her the whole time. I waved and called her name. When she spotted me, relief visibly washed over her face, and she said, “There you are!”  

I responded, “You may have lost sight of me, but I never lost sight of you.”  

Something resonated in my spirit when I said that…. How many times have we lost sight of the Lord and where he’s working, or what he’s doing. And yet, he has never lost sight of us. Or maybe we have strayed away from him, we have wandered so far that he’s no longer even in our vision. But he’s never lost sight of us.  He is the God who sees you.  

This name for the Lord comes from an unlikely female character in the Bible. Hagar, the female servant to Sarai, wife of Abram, became pregnant by Abram at Sarai’s request, but then an embittered Sarai drove Hagar away, to the point where she is running literally out into the desert. Who knows where she thought she was going – perhaps it was an “anywhere but here” type of scenario for Hagar. She’s hiding out by a spring when the angel of the Lord finds her, and he makes her a promise that everything is going to be alright with her son who will be called Ishmael. Hagar responds, “You are the God who sees me.” (Gen 16) I love this! In the middle of her running, her hiding, in the middle of her desert place, Hagar knows she is seen by God. No matter where we’re running or hiding or how far we’ve gone, God still sees us.  The words of Psalm 139 remind us of this truth as well:  

7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

There is no place you can be that is so far away that God loses sight of you. No matter if your life feels like a wasteland, or a chaotic crowd, God has his eye on you. Just like I had my loving, protective eye on my daughter at trick or treat, God has his loving eye on each of his children. He knows your name, and he’s calling out to you. When you turn around, he will be faithful to be there. Today if you feel like you’re lost in a crowd or hidden in a desert, I encourage you to pray a prayer that I have prayed many times: “God, I need to know that you see me today.” God has never failed to answer this prayer for me when I pray it. I believe he loves showing us not only that he sees us, but how he sees us. You are not lost or hidden from the eyes of your loving Father. I pray that you feel seen today by the God of Hagar, the God who sees.

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October 30, 2022 · 6:13 pm

What’s Your Soil Like?

I love a good visual aide for learning. Take a look at these root clumps that I recently lifted from my dahlias. I’ve placed them on a paper dinner plate for size reference.

Purple Dahlia Tuber #1
Purple Dahlia Tuber #2
Red Dahlia Tuber #1
Red Dahlia Tuber #2

These two sets of clumps are the exact same variety of flower and each originated from a single tuber that I planted. They were packaged together and likely came from the same original clump of tubers that was split. But look at the size difference after one growing season. I was astonished by the amount of growth in the bigger sets.  What is the singular difference between the tuber that grew into a large clump and the tuber whose growth was small and stunted?

The soil.  

The larger clumps developed from a single tuber planted in a newly turned garden area of rich soil. The smaller clumps came out of my infamous hillside garden full of dry sandy soil. It’s easy to tell which soil was a better growing environment for the tubers.  

This got me thinking about my own growth as a wife, mother, and follower of Jesus. If I took a look, would I be astonished by the amount of growth that’s happened in the past seven months? Or would I find only meager progress and limited life developing? What is the quality of my growing environment, or my soil, if you will?  

If I am assessing my actual garden soil, I am going to consider its contents and whether it has the right nutrients for good plant growth, things like nitrogen, potassium and phosphorus. If my soil is deficient in these things, then despite my watering of the plants, and the hours of sunlight the plants receive, the growth will not happen. Both of my tubers pictured received the same amount of sunlight and water, but the growth outcome was very different. The soil is the key.  

What is the soil of my life like? What are the key ingredients that make up my growing environment? Does it have key nutrients like prayer, rest, solitude, time in the Word of God, service, healthy boundaries? If these ingredients are lacking, then for me, growth will also be lacking.  

Or is my soil comprised of anxious thoughts, busyness and weariness (they go hand in hand!), selfishness, toxic relationships, constant noise, fear, anger, comparison? The list goes on an on, and for you maybe the toxic soil composition is different – substance abuse, obsession with something, addiction, perfectionism, critical thoughts, stress. There are many killing ingredients we can allow to be in our soil that will inhibit our growth. 

If today you’re assessing your own growth and your own soil and you find it lacking healthy nutrients, then start making small changes. (Too many abrupt changes for a plant can also lead to its demise!) One step is a good step. It doesn’t need to be many steps or big steps to make a big difference. Look at the good list above – what can you add to your environment? Worship music playing quietly in your home in the morning as everyone is starting their day? A faith-based podcast on your commute? A weekend free of event after event so that you can rest? A 15-minute devotion to end your day? Setting aside your phone for an afternoon regardless of who is texting you for emotional support? (You don’t have to be at everyone’s beck and call 24 hours a day!)

Boundaries are healthy. Rest is healthy. Solitude is healthy. Time in God’s presence (prayer, worship, Word) is healthy.

If you want to see more growth, try adding some of these things to your soil. When you reassess in a few months, I pray you are surprised to find bountiful growth, producing beautiful fruit in your own life!  

“But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.” (Luke 8:15) 

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5) 

“Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress.” (I Timothy 4:15) 

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)

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October 26, 2022 · 6:02 pm

The Backpack

It’s been a few months since I’ve made time for blogging. Life got real lifey this summer when we had some major changes taking place with close family members. On top of that, the littlest Burleigh started preschool this fall, so I’ve added an additional drop off and pick up location and time to the Mom Taxi service schedule. How can one little change like that make us moms feel like we’re running around with our hair on fire!? Writing took a backseat while I processed a lot of these late summer changes. Some of the things we were going through weren’t really mine to share first, and I owed it to my family members to let them share on their own timeline.

 

To be honest, I didn’t also know what to write about or how to begin processing the weight that I was feeling, in particular from my mom’s cancer diagnosis, among the other shifts happening in our life. I just felt heavy.

 

I didn’t stop pressing in to my faith through all of this, even though I paused writing about it. So now I want to share part of what I learned in hopes that it will help someone else who’s lugging around some heaviness in their life.

 

I love a good object lesson, and the one that God impressed on me in this season was a backpack. I was carrying around many heavy things in my metaphorical backpack. In particular, I felt very burdened about my mom’s health. We had a lot of big decisions to make regarding her treatment plan.  It’s also not easy to consider and to face the mortality of our parents. This among other things was the heaviness I was feeling, just like an overloaded, weighty backpack.

 

The Scripture that I have clung to in this intense season we have been going through is Matthew 11:28-30. It has come up continually and everywhere in my life. The verses say, “Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

 

Through this Scripture, I felt God asking me to take off my backpack. Big problems and small problems alike, He showed me that none of these were my burdens to carry. Jesus offers me his yoke, his way to bear the weight of my problems – it’s through entrusting them to him.

 

The problems of life will never go away – we live in a broken world. But if we continue to carry the weight of our problems, have we truly entrusted them to him? Is there really such a thing as “trying” to trust God? As my five-year-old pointed out at random one day in the car, we either do trust, or we don’t! There’s no in between. You’re either bearing the weight of the backpack, or you’re not.

 

Jesus offers us a better way to live in the midst of our trials, that’s his yoke, and according to his words, it’s easy. When we trust him with the weight of our burdens, things that truly are not ours to carry in the first place, we can experience the rest he described in Matthew.

 

As I chose trust, I began to experience God’s peace. As I began to focus on all that is true about God and all that he is able to do, the weight that I was carrying lifted. I decided that no matter what I did, or what we decided, God was able to handle the outcome. There wasn’t any wrong decision we could make that would be impossible for him to correct. I’m not responsible for my mom’s life – that’s a God-sized job! Phew – talk about lifting the pressure! Some of us need to realize that we weren’t created for that kind of pressure. We aren’t God! We’re not powerful enough to derail his plans!

 

This summer I saw my mom through two surgeries and the decision to begin chemotherapy this fall. Those are big, weighty decisions. But God led every step of the way, and I can honestly say that I have walked and am continuing to walk with peace through those things. It’s all because I made the decision to trust him. I took off the backpack, left it at the cross. I’m embracing his yoke, the Jesus way, walking in peace, rest, and freedom from heavy burdens I was never made to carry. He’s been right there with me, bearing the weight of it all.

 

Are you ready to walk that way? Today can be your day – Take off your backpack, leave it at the cross, walk in Jesus’ yoke, experience his rest and peace. Your problems with be there either way, but you have the privilege of being invited to trust Jesus. He’ll carry the weight for you if you allow him. Choose trust. You will not regret it.

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July 1, 2022 · 7:19 pm

Weeds (part 2): What are You Cultivating?

I shared much earlier this spring about the plant babies I started inside in my bay window – bachelor’s buttons, zinnias, and lavender. I’m always so eager to get my hands in the dirt and see something growing as soon as any hint of spring wafts through the air. My zinnias and bachelor’s buttons took right off, but my lavender just sat there. So, I did some research on growing lavender, and I found out – it’s not all that easy to start from seed. The seeds do best when they’re planted in the fall and can feel the chill of winter before the warmth of spring. I also learned that they can take an incredibly long time to germinate. And when they do germinate, they don’t look like lavender right away (this, as you will see, was a crucial piece of misinformation for me…) So, I didn’t throw out the pot I had started in my bay window. I waited. At long last a tiny sprout emerged. I was so excited. At least one seed had germinated. It didn’t look like lavender, but I was trusting the information I had gleaned online, that it might take time for it to look like lavender.

 

Here I sit in mid-June, with a plant that is most certainly NOT lavender. The bigger it got, the more my doubts grew. Finally last week I had my plant ID app take a look at it. The confirmation was clear: This is a WEED. I had a good laugh at myself and threw it away.

Look at my lovely weed!

Of course in light of the post I just wrote about the weeds in my hillside garden and the weeds of fear and anxiety in my heart, this new discovery got me thinking along a new line about weeds: What am I cultivating in my life? Am I cultivating things that are healthy and beneficial and desirable, or am I cultivating weedy practices that choke out life giving ones?

 

I spent some time in the weedy hillside garden this morning. There’s this one really pretty weed – crown vetch. Its leaves are fernlike and dark green. It has lovely light purple flowers all over it. Many have admired this pretty weed, and I did too last spring. That is, until I saw what it is capable of. What looked like a harmless pretty weed that would help stop erosion in the sandy, hillside garden, turned out to be as invasive as all the websites warned me it was. Before too long, I found myself needing to literally rip it limb from limb because it was completely overtaking the other desirable plants in the garden. You can see from these before and after pictures what a giant monster it can quickly become. If I allow it to grow unchecked, it totally takes over the garden. It chokes out the plants that I actually want to be growing.

Before weeding the crown vetch. Can you find the lilies and susans?
After weeding the crown vetch. Hello, plants!

I’ve learned from the weeds that I’ve accidentally and intentionally cultivated in my pots and gardens that I need to consider: What am I cultivating in my life, in my heart and mind? Am I feeding anxious thoughts with more anxious thoughts? Or am I ripping those suckers out as fast as I see them emerge? Am I cultivating a lifestyle of being overly busy and over-committed so that I’m too drained and living in survival mode? Or am I cultivating space, rest, and peace for myself and my family? Am I feeding the cravings of materialism and greed? Or am I exercising self-control and cultivating contentment? If I cultivate unhealthy practices, just like weeds they will quickly grow into monsters and choke out the good things in life.

 

Because the Bible was written during a time period when the world was largely agrarian, there are many references to sowing, cultivating, soil, reaping, and harvesting. Here are two that speak to the point of this blog.

 

First, Jesus’ famous parable of the sower with four types of soils encourages us to have hearts that are ready to receive his word, free of hard rocky spots where truth cannot dwell, and free of weeds that will choke out the truth, and protected from “birds” which may be lies of the enemy, distractions, or other pursuits that come and steal the truth (Matthew 13). This passage certainly encourages us to consider what we are cultivating in our hearts. Do our daily practices cultivate truth and give it a place to grow? Or are our hearts to full of bitterness, sin, lies, etc? What are you cultivating?

 

Second, in Galatians, we find the famous adage, “you reap what you sow.”  Galatians 6:7-8 says,

 

“7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” After this comes the encouragement to continue sowing good: “9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

 

So whatever it is that we are sowing with our lives, that is what we will reap. If we are sowing seeds of busyness, we will find ourselves with an overcrowded schedule. If we are sowing seeds of rest and peace, we will likely find space for those things in our hearts and homes. If we are sowing seeds of fear or anxiety, our hearts and minds will feel troubled. But if we are instead meditating on the truth, then we will experience the freedom that God intends for us to walk in. I don’t know what other kinds of seeds you may be struggling with sowing in your heart and mind, but these are the issues that are foremost in my mind right now.

 

When I start to sow the wrong kinds of seeds in my heart and mind, I’m going to picture that ridiculous weed that I accidentally grew in my bay window for three months! I’d never intentionally cultivate a weed in my flower garden or bay window! Why would I cultivate one in my heart?! Why would I give anxiety one moment to dwell there, knowing the giant monster it can become? Why would I entertain my fears and what ifs? – cultivating them only makes them more overwhelming. Instead I want to cultivate God’s truth in my heart and mind. I encourage you today to take a moment and assess what you are cultivating in your heart and life. What are you allowing to grow by the seeds that you are sowing? If you don’t like what you find, what changes can you make so that you are sowing seeds that are pleasing to the Lord and building the kind of life you want to live in? Maybe we need to start sowing some new seeds and hacking out the weeds we’ve let grow for far too long.

 

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June 15, 2022 · 9:03 pm

Weeds (Part 1): No Vacancy

 

Last winter we moved into a new home that had been vacant for some time. When we purchased the house in February, the property was completely covered in snow. We had no idea what surprises the grounds might hold for us. As spring emerged and the snow melted, I could see where old flower beds had been. And where plants had accidentally been moved when the yard was bulldozed! And as you can imagine, I could see how overgrown the beds and yard were with weeds because no one had lived there to tend them in some time. We began working on our flowerbeds last spring, and they have come a long, long way. It has been rewarding to see the transformation this spring as all my new plants have sprouted stronger and larger than last spring.

Unfortunately, along with them, the weeds have also sprouted. There is one particular flower bed that has been my nemesis. It rests mostly on a steep sandstone hill. Did you know there aren’t a lot of plants that like to grow on a sandstone hill, or in soil comprised heavily of sand? It’s been a battle finding things to grow in this large hillside flowerbed. An expensive battle. I’ve spent hours clearing weeds out of this bed, only to have them come right back because this is a huge flowerbed, and it would take me hundreds of dollars to fill it up with desirable plants that enjoy growing in desert like soil. So we’re in the long game with the weeds. I can’t put plants into all the places where the weeds were removed, so the weeds find their old home vacant, and they return.

When I was weeding this past week, God reminded me of the story that Jesus told to the religious leaders in Matthew 12 about the vacancies that impure spirits leave when they are cast out of a person.

“When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, “I will return to the house I left.” When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean, and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”  (43-45)

What in the world does this have to do with me and my weeds? Or my life?

Lately I’ve been battling some anxiety and fear. I’m not a person given to anxious thoughts, but there have been seasons where I have felt intense anxiety, especially when it comes to my kids. Maybe you don’t think of anxiety or fear as “impure spirits,” but if you think about it … Where do they come from? Certainly not God’s kingdom or his heart! Fear and anxiety were crafted in the pits of hell to keep believers immobilized and ineffective. So I think that classifies them as impure spirits. I firmly believe that the enemy uses these forces to wage war on my mind and to keep me from being effective as a wife, mom, friend, and kingdom worker. Anxiety can be immobilizing. You’re just frozen in life because you’re so afraid that the wrong thing is coming down the pike. When anxious thoughts send me spiraling, I know I need to cast them out, just like the impure spirits Jesus is describing in Matthew 12. But how do I ensure that I don’t encounter the problem Jesus describes in this passage? How do I avoid having the house of my mind “unoccupied?”

When I am battling the forces of evil in my life (not just the weeds, friends), I cannot simply cast those things out and leave the mental space empty. Because the evil will try to come right back. Just like my weeds come right back to the empty spaces in my garden, the fears and anxieties that I struggle with return to the empty spaces in my heart and mind.

If I want to effectively battle fear and anxiety, I need to not leave the empty space available in my mind for those things to return. How do I do that? My weapon of choice is the Word of God. On my own, I cannot stand up to and defeat the forces of evil in my life, but with God’s Word in hand, I can. During a particularly intense spiral last week, I simply repeated over and over in my mind verses and words from the Psalms about trusting in God and about God’s protection. What I’m choosing to think about matters greatly, and I don’t want the forces of darkness that are searching for a place to land to check out my mind and find a vacancy where they can reside. I want my mind so full of God’s truth that there is no room for the lies of the enemy to dwell. 

(As a side note, please understand, I know that there are many people who struggle with crippling anxiety at all times. My heart goes out to you, because my MOMENTS of anxiety can overwhelm me. I can’t imagine living with it all the time. And I understand that this is a clinical, medical, brain balance issue that sometimes needs much more than what I’m describing in this blog. What I’m describing here is my own battle, which I believe has spiritual origins.)

The other thing about weeds is that they have roots. Sometimes the roots are deep, and sometimes the roots are strong. When I think about the anxieties that seem to plague me – they’re always the same ones, and I’m willing to bet you have your same set that plagues you too – I know that they have roots in my past. I’ve experienced things and the enemy has lied to me in those situations about who I am and who God is. It’s the lie I’ve bought into that has rooted itself into the current weeds of my life. Weeds can’t be destroyed in the flowerbed or in my life unless I get to the root. I need to be honest with God about the lies I have believed and ask his Holy Spirit to show me those lies and help me choose to believe the truth instead. When I can discern the root and deal with the lie, then I am on my way to healing. And when the flowerbed, or my mind, has been cleaned out, I need to fill it up with God’s truth to ensure there is no vacancy for new “weeds.”

We need to realize that we are not victims or captives to our own thoughts and minds. We do have control over what we think about and what we choose to believe. When I feel fear rising up, I can replace those thoughts with the truth about God’s goodness and trustworthiness. Choosing to trust God instead of giving way to anxiety brings peace, freedom, and lightness to my life.

Maybe someday I’ll have my hillside garden completely free of weeds and full of only great big, beautiful plants. But every time I weed, you can be sure it will be a reminder to think about what I’m thinking about and what I’m making space for in my mind!

 

Love my patio flowerbed!
Andrew rebuilt this retaining wall area and flowerbed this spring!
I spy a few weeds in this bed!

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May 9, 2022 · 3:10 pm

The Easy Way Out

Have you ever tried to take the easy way out? I have a doozy for you! About a year ago we moved to a new house, and with the house came a dishwasher! All the angels sang and heaven rejoiced with me! For 12 years I went without a dishwasher while I was at home with my three young babies. To say I was delighted about my new dishwasher would be the understatement of my life. I was thrilled. It made kitchen clean up so much easier and so much faster! Just pop those dishes in, press a button, and voila! – clean dishes! Unspeakable JOY!

Until one day I tried to take the easy way out, and I made a horrible error.

Since we have 5 acres now, I was able to plant a much bigger garden last summer, and I branched out in my canning selections. I made tomato sauce for the first time this summer. (And boy wasn’t THAT a learning experience!) It sure does make a mess! I have this nifty little machine called a Victorio Strainer – just put the tomatoes in the top, turn the crank, and sauce comes down the shoot, while seeds and skins funnel out the end into a waste bowl. It makes sauce as easy as sauce can be (which, to be honest, is not terribly easy, but it sure helps!). As you can imagine, the strainer is a mess when I get finished putting the tomatoes through. There’s tomato puree stuck in every crevice. The BEST remedy is to use a stiff bristle bottle brush to push the remainder of the puree, seeds, and skins out of the places that it shouldn’t be into the trash, then to do that again under running water. But this process is still messy, and can make a bigger mess of the sink and counter, and my HANDS. It’s not my favorite part of the job.

So, after a particularly grueling and difficult sauce making session, I decided to take the easy way out. I shook the strainer pieces out into the trashcan, and then I threw them all into the dishwasher. To my delight, it came out pretty clean. I cleaned up the areas that needed a little attention and put the pieces way, not giving another thought to what I had done, and secretly delighted at how much easier the clean up process had been.

But, OH, what a horrible error. 

Soon after, I began noticing some residue on my clean dishes coming out of the dishwasher. I noticed little pink or red flecks on glasses, sometimes in bowls, and then in the kids cups and plastic dishes. I thought to myself, “What is going on? This dishwasher is not very old… Is it just less efficient than I thought it was? Is this really what having a dishwasher is?” My hopes were dashed and my spirits sank. It’s not the miracle machine I thought it was going to be. I tried various soaps and things, asked friends about their dishwashers, meanwhile I did not make any connection between the red residue and the horrible tomato mess that I had placed into the dishwasher when I tried to take the easy way out.

This went on for months.  Finally, my husband Andrew asked me if I had put something into the dishwasher that could perhaps have made a mess, which was now being sprayed all over our dishes every day. And that’s when the light went on. My tomato-covered Victorio Strainer. I knew then what the answer was: I had to clean the dishwasher. My fifteen-minute quick fix cost me (and my amazingly gracious husband) over four hours of cleaning. We had to disassemble everything inside the dishwasher that we could. We had to clean inside inaccessible pieces and parts that were now coated with a thick rubbery pink substance. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to clean the inside of a dishwasher sprayer, but wow. It is long, relatively flat, and hollow on the inside, with one hole for the water to be pumped in, and a dozen or so tiny holes on the other side for the water to be sprayed out onto the dishes. It’s all one piece, and the inside was entirely coated with the goo. Oh, and there are two of these, one for each rack of the dishwasher. We swished water around. We blew in the holes. We covered certain holes to create pressure in the other holes to blow the gunk out. We took tweezers to the tiny holes to pull out strings of pink goo. And then we used them on the tiny in-between spaces that were filled with dried red gunk too. We cleaned the drain. We scrubbed the walls. We took the racks outside to spray them off (in the winter!). Oh, the horror.

It is safe to say that I will never do that again. I mean, I may need to clean out my dishwasher in the future, but I will never again put that kind of mess into the machine. I took the easy way out, and it ended up costing me months of dirty dishes, not to mention frustration, plus hours of cleaning the machine.

Why do I tell this harrowing tale today? Because I think we often try to take the easy way out with our faith. We maybe don’t want to put the work in initially that we ought to, and we pay for it with nasty residue on every surface of our life afterwards. When I’m tempted to take the easy road, I often tell myself, “Tomorrow’s Catherine will thank you for doing this today.” It helps me with tasks that are less than desirable, but truly need to be accomplished for the best outcome.

In learning to yield to the Holy Spirit, I’m finding there are many times he asks me to do things that seem hard. Maybe it’s exercising self-control when I’m ready to blow. Maybe it’s choosing faith when I’m being swallowed by fear, standing up to the devil when he wants to keep me immobilized through fear. Maybe it’s stepping out of my comfort zone into new ministry or a moment of ministry I wasn’t expecting. Maybe it’s true repentance and freedom from a sin I’ve been entangled in for too long. Sometimes these things feel too hard. And it feels easier to continue in my sin or spiral. It feels easier not to leave my comfort zone. But the easy way, the path of least resistance, isn’t always the best path. When we take the easy road, there’s always a cost.

A friend of mine recently shared this on social media: “Strangely, life gets harder when you try to make it easy. Exercising might be hard, but never moving makes life harder. Uncomfortable conversations are hard, but avoiding every conflict is harder. Mastering your craft is hard, but having no skills is harder. Easy has a cost.”

Whatever hard thing you are facing today, please know that you can do hard things. One of my favorite verses to dwell on when I’m feeling powerless for a situation or task comes from Romans 8:11. It reminds me that the same Spirit that raised Jesus Christ from the dead is now living in me. There is nothing too difficult for my God (Jeremiah 32:27), and he has placed his Spirit inside of me. With the help of his Spirit, we can do all things (Philippians 4:13).

I’m exceedingly thankful today that Jesus did not take the easy way out. In the garden when he prayed before his arrest, he asked his Father if there was any other way. God’s love for humankind was so incredible that he did not spare his own Son. There was not an easy way out. And so Jesus walked every excruciating step of his hard path. He did it for me and for you. The next time I want to resist his Spirit’s nudge in me to do something out of my comfort zone, I will remember that my Jesus did the hardest thing for me, and so I can do hard things too when I walk with him.

 

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April 24, 2022 · 7:46 pm

Rooted

I came into this Easter season feeling really heavy. We were dealing with sickness of all kinds in my home (my kids and myself). The weather has been ridiculously uncooperative – is it ever going to get warm!? How many snows have we seen this April?! The grief triggers I wrote about last month seemed to restart my grieving process all over again, and none of the aforementioned circumstances have helped my mood. I haven’t been able to shake the heaviness. The characters in the Easter story that I could relate the most to this year have been the disciples on the day after Jesus’ died. Confused. Disappointed. Grieving. Doubting. I wasn’t experiencing the usual joy that accompanies the spring season and especially the Easter holiday. I’m not sure why I feel so compelled to put all this out there. It’s personal and not particularly fun to expose or dwell on. But it feels necessary because I suspect I’m not alone. I know very few people who haven’t been affected by loss, deep and personal, over the last two years. Maybe I’m not the only one who is still feeling heavy at times? Once again my little plants spoke to me in my heaviness.

I was moving some sunflower sprouts with my youngest daughter because they were needing a taller container to support their stems. (Note: sunflowers do not love growing in a greenhouse tent as much as they love growing in the SUN. But that’s a whole other blog post.) As we moved the little sprouts, Hannah was amazed to see that there was as much plant under the soil as there was on top of the soil. There was actually probably more under the soil than on top. She exclaimed, “Woah, Mom! Look at that long stringy white part” as she saw the root emerge completely from the soil during one transplant. I was even amazed at its length! I explained to her that while we saw the stem and the leaves emerging on top of the soil, that the important work was really happening under the surface. When we watered the transplant, I told her that the roots needed the water, not the leaves, and I explained how the leaves’ job was to draw in sunlight for energy. But just like the water, it was the roots that needed the sun’s energy to grow the plant. Foundation is everything.

The same is true for you and me. Our foundation is everything. We need to have our feet firmly planted in the truth of God’s Word so that when the difficult times comes, we can stand through the power of the Holy Spirit and not crumble to our doubts, emotions, and circumstances. So I thought on what Scripture would speak to my grieving heart.

Here is what I am standing on, and if you are grieving, I invite you to join me in standing here:

Jesus said: “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies, and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25)

Me and my daddy just before my baptism on Easter Sunday, 1995

Jesus was speaking to Martha, a grieving sister and close friend of Jesus, about the death of her brother Lazarus. I’m especially struck by Jesus’ question to her at the end of the verse. “Do you believe this?” That’s the key. Jesus is plainly stating the truth, but the choice us up to Martha, and up to you and me, to believe or not.

Death and belief feel like oil and water to me right now. Death is just a tricky topic to process. Our eyes tell us one thing; and our spirit wants to tell us another. When I lost my dad, I certainly came to a full stop at a canyon in my faith. I’ve come to a lot of these canyons in my life – when my mom battled cancer, quitting my teaching career to stay at home with my babies, the season when my husband was unemployed, many different doctors, tests, and diagnoses for Sophie. But none gave me pause the way my dad’s death did. I’ve always been able to take the leap of faith required, but this time felt different. My reality is that he is gone. There is loss, there is a hole now in my life. It has taken a much bigger leap of faith to look at that gaping chasm, that death, and to say, “Death is a lie. Jesus is the resurrection and the life.” But I believe – yes, I believe – that this is the true reality, beyond what my eyes can see.

In the last 18 months I have prayed many times the prayer of the father in Mark 9 who desires healing for his son, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (v 24) Without my foundation being God’s Word, I know that I would be truly lost right now. But because of it, I can continue to stand on the truth, even when my feelings (and my eyes!) tell me something else is true.

Not only do the sunflower roots remind me of my foundation, they also remind me that there is much going on that we cannot see. Even in the seasons where we feel heavy, where we mourn, where we doubt or lose hope, God is still busy growing and building things in us. It’s ok for us to feel our losses and have seasons of mourning – they do not negate our faith.  There are many accounts in the Bible of times of mourning.

The day after Jesus’ death, I feel certain that the disciples had, for the moment, lost their hope. Our pastor pointed out on Easter Sunday that evidence of this is seen in the fact that no one shows up to the tomb on the third day waiting for Jesus to rise from the dead, even though he told them plainly that he would. They were confused, lost, doubtful, and hopeless. Because they didn’t believe what he had said.

But this did not negate what Jesus was accomplishing while he was in the tomb! Even in their doubts, he was still at work! Even in our dark times, Jesus is still working, still growing those unseen roots.

This brings me back to Jesus’ question to Martha: “Do you believe this?” By the power of the Holy Spirit, we can choose belief, we can choose faith, we can trust God’s Word, even when all seems dark, lost, and hopeless. This is our foundation, our roots, our firm place to stand when circumstances are falling out all around us. Just like those sunflower roots growing under the surface, we can know there is spiritual work happening even in the dark times if we keep standing firm in what we know to be true.

I don’t know what heaviness you are carrying with you today, but I encourage you to find out what the Bible says about it and to choose belief. Choose to be rooted in the truth of God’s Word, and trust that he is doing much in the unseen places.

 

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April 4, 2022 · 5:52 pm

Leaning Toward the Light

Spring, as they say, has sprung here in Ohio. Although it is currently 35 degrees with snow flurries, the trees are budding, the daffodils are up, and new life is sprouting everywhere. I love spring. I’m a gardener at heart – I love digging, planting, growing, all of it. So when the ten day forecast starts showing warmer days and nights, I get excited about starting seeds. This year my hubby (bless him) encouraged me to purchase a greenhouse tent so that I could start seeds earlier. Perhaps he also did not want our bay window converted into a growing space? Either way, back in February I purchased my little tent. I counted the days until I could start my seeds. I even loaded up the cart inside the tent with soil-filled seed trays so that I could gauge the temperature fluctuations inside the tent from the peak of the day when the sunshine beats down, to the chill of the early mornings in spring. My research told me to keep biding my time, that it was too soon to start seeds in the tent. So I started some inside my house.  Just three little pots to keep me going until I could load up those readied seed trays. Every day I’ve checked them and made sure the soil was damp. I’ve moved them around on the bay window throughout the day to ensure optimum sun exposure. I feel a little crazy now that I write this all down. But two of my three little pots rewarded my gardening addiction and sent sprouts right up! (Here’s looking at you Zinnias and Bachelor’s Buttons! Lavender, get your act together please!) One day when I was checking on my sweet plant babies, I found the most spectacular sight. They were all leaning towards the light. Check it out!

These little guys are leaning with all they have to get closer to that sunshine. I love it! Besides being adorably cute, it also hit me on a spiritual level.

I’ve had kind of a dark week or two. There were some triggers this week for my grief over my dad’s death. Grief is weird and hard to talk about and different for every person carrying it. There have been some new losses to carry, too. I’m also in a really poor sleep pattern right now (because… kids) and it’s catching up with me. Plus, we have had to make some difficult decisions regarding Sophie’s therapy, medication, and care. Just heavy stuff. I’ve felt heavy.

But part of the way I’ve chosen to live my life (which may stand in stark contrast to the way the world operates) is not to let my feelings dictate my life or what I perceive to be truth. Despite this perspective, I could feel the tailspin coming as I battled my feelings. (For the record, I’m not suggesting that anyone ignore or stuff their feelings. Feelings are valid. And it’s fine to feel them. But I do not wish to live my life controlled by my feelings.) I’ve been desperately seeking, in the midst of a whole mess of feelings, to fix my eyes on Jesus and to plant my feet on the truth of His Word.

Those little plants remind me: Lean towards the light.

In John 8:12, Jesus is recorded as saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” Yes to this. Let me follow Jesus’ light every day over the darkness of my feelings. I know that Jesus, the Light of the World, is the source of my life, just like those plants know that the light is what will help them keep on living.

I am not seeking Jesus just to feel better; I’m seeking him to be better, to grow better. Through the mess and muddle of my feelings, I’ve heard a few truths quite clearly that maybe some of you need to hear in your current mess and muddle.

1 – God sees you.

2 – God sees your children.

3 – All the mess, God has it. He’s in control.

4 – He chose YOU for “this” (whatever that may be for you)

5 – God will ONLY do what is GOOD for you and me.

Let’s let those truths shine on us and penetrate the dark places where we feel heavy. Lean towards the Light. Jesus is constant, unchanging, always ready to bring his life-giving power to our lives.

Lean into the Light and breathe easy, friend.

 

 

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March 21, 2022 · 6:57 pm

Sophie’s Story: Through the Lens of Love

My nighttime Bible reading recently took me into the book of Ruth. I love a good story, and Ruth is no exception. On top of being a beautiful literary account, I love the symbolism that is found in the story. We, of course, are Ruth, in a helpless state, until Boaz, our redeemer, Christ Jesus, comes to redeem us as his bride.

This time through the story, I was particularly struck by Naomi’s character. Ten years of her life are covered in just a few short verses. Maybe it was that ten-year mark that caught my eye, since we recently celebrated Sophie’s 10th birthday, and ten years of our journey in special needs parenting. When you’re reflecting on an era of ten hard years, you can feel how long this decade was for Naomi. Here’s a quick recap of her decade in case you don’t know the story. Strap in; it’s intense!

·      She left her homeland because of famine. (That’s rough all on its own.)

·      While she was sojourning in a foreign country, her husband passed away. (Heartbreaking grief.)

·      On top of all that, her two sons also die while she is in the land of Moab. (I cannot fathom the loss and grief that Naomi must have carried. It is soul-crushing.)

Ten years go by in the land of Moab. She’s alone with only her daughters-in-law, probably wondering what in the world she did to bring this on herself. Now, husbandless and sonless, she decides to return to her homeland, Judah. She tries to release her daughters-in-law to return to their households so that they can start fresh and have a new life. A hope and a future. Children. But of Ruth does not return to her home and swears to remain with Naomi, covenanting with her for all her days.

When Naomi returns to Judah, imagine the stir in the neighborhood. Her grief, no doubt, has aged her. No one there knows what has happened to her family. There were no text messages or social media posts detailing her losses in Moab. When they greet her by her given name, Naomi, she responds, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty” (Ruth 1:20). Phew. What a staggering synopsis of her last ten years. Naomi is embittered, emptied, and a shell of who she once was.

Can anybody relate?

Whether you’re reflecting on the last decade, the last couple of years (hello, pandemic), or just the past few months, I know we all have seasons where we feel just like Naomi felt – mistreated by God, bitter, bereft, empty. The new name that Naomi has chosen for herself, Mara, means bitter. It is the essence of who she is now.

Oh but Naomi cannot indeed see the whole story. I’ve read the whole book of Ruth, and I know that all God stripped away from Naomi, he returned in greater abundance. All the sorrow that he allowed was from a heart of love. Because in Judah, Ruth was redeemed by a kinsman, Boaz, who gave her a son, Obed, who in turn had a son named Jesse, who was the father of King David, the greatest king of Israel. Beyond that, Ruth’s genealogy is traced down to Christ Jesus himself. While Naomi did lose a husband and two sons, she was granted a position in the lineage of Jesus Christ the Messiah!

Hindsight is always 20/20 right?

But oh that we could learn to view life as it happens through the lens of love. Whatever hard things God has allowed into our lives, he allows from a heart of love.

As we muddle through our life parenting a child with a disability and doing our best to raise two typical children in a very non-typical family, it can be easy to feel heavy. We continue to struggle to find a way to help Sophie sleep through the night, and it affects all of us. We are often physically so very tired. Literally weary. There are times where the struggle is so intense, and it feels unending, hopeless. But these are the times where, if I notice, I find that my eyes are on my circumstances, and not on the loving nature of my God.  There is loss and grief in a life touched by disability. But my prayer is that I not allow myself to so misinterpret my circumstances to think that God has dealt bitterly with me. I choose to believe that God is always kind and that he always acts from a heart of love. I am living his best plan for me. There is life here, growth and goodness to be found. If I choose to look through the lens of love.

I don’t know what your circumstances are that tempt you to despair or to feel that God has dealt bitterly with you. But today I want to encourage you to look at your life through the lens of love. Whatever he has allowed to be stripped away, like Naomi’s loss of her entire family, God intends to restore to you. If not here on earth, certainly in heaven, all will be made whole, and right. Whatever difficult things He has allowed in your life, He fully intends to use for good as part of his perfect plan. I pray you receive these words as the Word of God, and not as cliché “band aid” type statements. These are God’s promises to you, and you can stand on them when it is difficult to see his love through the pain of your circumstances.

As the book of Ruth closes, the townswomen say to Naomi, “Blessed be the Lord who has not left you this day without a redeemer, and may his name be renowned in Israel! He shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age.” (Ruth 4:14) Today may you find through the lens of love that God has not left YOU without a redeemer, that he shall be to YOU a restorer of LIFE, and a NOURISHER to your soul, no matter where in the journey you are.

 

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February 13, 2022 · 8:26 pm

A Decade of Sophie

My sweet Sophie turns 10 years old this weekend. It’s hard to wrap my head around. As this milestone quickly approached, it has caused me to reflect a lot on the last decade. Ten years. Ten years since our special needs journey began. I wish I could say it has gotten easier. And I suppose in some ways it has. But in many ways, it only grows more challenging as she ages. In the last ten years, I have seen in myself some of the most epic failures as a mom because it all just became too much for me. But the view from this ten years’ precipice is a breathtaking view of God’s grace, of growth, and of so much LIFE born from our struggle. There is beauty and goodness and a depth to my faith that would not exist without this journey.

 

So this I will say to you today as I reflect on our decade: Allow your struggles to draw you closer to Christ. He is right by your side. His hand is yours to take. He longs to walk WITH you. He longs for you to grow through your struggles, if you will choose to do so.

 

Faith alone has led me through the past ten years. It guides me today. And it holds all my tomorrows. Faith in the One who never changes with every sunrise and sunset, with every meltdown and medication change.

 

The Refiner’s fire is HOT. Don’t mistake that. We feel the heat in our struggles. But those times in the furnace are creating such BEAUTY in our lives. Truly, if not for all that I have grown through in Sophie’s journey, I would not be where I am today. The faith that comes through in my writing has been grown on this journey. The heart that I share here on my blog is a heart led by a good Father through many difficult days, months, years.

 

As I returned to writing at the close of last year, God gave me a verse as a purpose for my writing. It has always been the reason that I write, but this brought new clarity to the fact that my writing is HIS, for his glory.

 

“You are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” (2 Corinthians 3:3)

 

God is writing the story of his love for me on my heart through our journey with Sophie. God is showing me his great power through my great weakness. And my life is a letter for others, I hope showing them the way to follow Christ.  So if you are struggling today, think about where you might be a decade from now if you take Christ’s hand and say yes to what Jesus has for you in the journey. Yes, there is pain and heat, but there is SO MUCH LIFE, for you and for others who walk with you.

 

Here is a highlight reel of ten years of beauty. There were many difficult moments in between, but allow these to stand as evidence of a good, loving, faithful God who can grow your faith through any struggle.

 

Just hours old

 

2 months old

 

5 months old

 

8 months old

 

Sophie’s First Birthday. She was so sick 🙁

 

First time swimming in the baby pool

 

Almost 2 and LOVING the snow!

 

Welcoming her role as Big Sister

 

Cheeser

 

Turning 3, Sophie was still wordless at this point in her life, but she was quickly learning American Sign Language!

 

Too adorable!

 

Sophie on her 4th birthday. She picked her outfit!

 

5 years old, in a beautiful butterfly dress from her grandparents, symbolizing her growth and beauty!

 

Easter, 5 years old.

 

Becoming a big sister for the second time. Hannah was born in the middle of the night. When she woke up and Andrew told her that Hannah had come, she said, like a perfect grown up, “Well, that is exciting news!”

 

Matching sissies. Hannah is still one of Sophie’s best friends!

 

Last day of school, 6 years old

 

Sophie’s 7th birthday

 

Last day of kindergarten

 

Sophie’s 8th birthday

 

9 years old. So grown up!

 

Just a few days shy of 10, celebrating Valentine’s Day with the Girl Scout troop

Sophie is now in 3rd grade at our local school district. She lovingly calls the Principal, “my best friend.” She is surrounded by a fantastic team of professionals who ADORE her and are always working hard and thinking creatively to help her reach her potential. She is growing a ton this year academically and socially! She has a best friend, and can often be found surrounded by a group of her peers. Her teacher has done an excellent job of fostering empathy in the classroom. As Sophie grows, some of her differences become more evident, but her classmates care for her so well. I am so incredibly thankful for this.

 

Last spring we added epilepsy to our long list of diagnoses after Sophie suffered multiple seizures one morning. Since starting medication, she has not had any more seizures. I am so thankful that her epilepsy has been easily managed thus far.

 

Less easily managed are ADHD and anxiety. Can I get an amen?! We are still working closely with her pediatrician to find the right combo of medicines to help our sweetie sleep well every night and combat these two giants in her life.

 

I don’t know what our year ahead will hold, but I do know the One who is holding our every moment. Looking back over this decade as a whole, I am more thankful than ever that God chose me to be Sophie’s mom. Although there is a lot of hard, there is so much growth, so much life that has come through her journey. Take time to reflect on your own journey today. God is doing amazing things if you take the time to see them.

 

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