“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear.” (Ps. 112:7-8)
It’s interesting that I’m sitting here working on a lesson about peace for my high school crew, all the while battling anxious thoughts about my own health. Next week I will undergo testing for Meniere’s Disease, which is a disorder affecting the inner ear. There is no cure for this disease. Typically, it results in deafness in the affected ear. It would explain everything that I have been experiencing, from the intermittent vertigo, to the hearing loss, to the crackling in my right ear. Unfortunately, it fits. That doesn’t mean that I have it; but my mind has been reeling from just the possibility. For Pete’s sake, I’m 32 years old! I’m not supposed to be one of those people in “poor health.” And when the crackling began to occur in my left ear also, my adrenaline inched up towards the ceiling. If both ears are affected, I could lose my hearing altogether. It’s one of those “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” moments. I cannot hear my children at night. I cannot hear my husband’s voice sometimes. I cannot hear what my cat is up to, until she’s making a ruckus in my room, terrifying me of another possible bat invasion. Hearing is a precious thing. And right now, my hearing loss is still minimal. Yet, all those sounds are already gone. My heart quickens with unspoken questions: What if it is Meniere’s? What if it does attack both ears? What if I learned sign language with my daughter for my future?! There are so many questions flooding my mind.
But today I worked through the Psalms, recording verses that have brought me peace, hoping they will bring peace to my Sunday school students. And I happened upon this one — “He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear.” I noticed first that this Psalm never indicates that bad news won’t come. But what it does promise is that we don’t need to have fear of that bad news. Why? Because our Psalmist trusts the Lord, so his heart is steadfast. I love that word — steadfast. It seems so sturdy, so immovable, so secure. It’s because my heart is secure in the Lord that I can look down the barrel of a possible Meniere’s diagnosis and feel a steadfast peace invade my heart. Like David, I realize that this physical world is full of threats, imperfections, diseases, and brokenness. It would be naive, at best, to assume that none of this will ever affect me. I know that it’s going to affect me. But I also know that it’s ok. Because I, too, was made for someday, for another place, where all of those imperfections are banished forever. And until then, I can be ok with today. If December 14th comes with a Meniere’s diagnosis, then I will ask God for the grace to be ok with that day. And each day after, I will continue to seek his grace to be ok with this temporary struggle, day by day. May my heart be steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
I hear you. Praying for the 14th 💗
I see the gold of your faith shining, present, glowing in the dark. And I pray for healing. While we walk in the midst of the difficult and uncertain, we keep our eyes fixed on the One who never stops doing good, whose strength and care will be ours. Emmanuel, with us.
Continuing to pray for you, Catherine. It is certainly difficult waiting for whether news will be bad or good. Your trust inspires me so much and has given me more courage to continue trusting myself. As you already know, I have only been through just a little of what you are experiencing (with the inner ear situation) over the past 27 years, but it helps me to so empathize with you. Which may be one of many reasons He has allowed that in my life — so I believe He definitely has a purpose for this in your life, too. Knowing that doesn’t always make going through it easier, unfortunately, does it? But perhaps it is a bit encouraging to keep that in mind(?) Which is my hope. I had not realized your hearing was so affected. Mine has not been, that I know of anyway. (Eh? What’d you say? I can blame it on old age these days? Oh, ok. I hear ya now! 😉 ) You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Hugs and hugs…….