March 6, 2017 · 7:12 pm

Sophie’s Story: Our Decision and Why We Made It

Well, the day has finally arrived. It’s the first day of kindergarten registration, and I’m not going. I’m sitting on my couch in my lounge pants with my box of tissue, crying my eyes out. Ironically, I’m sure there are many other moms sitting on their couches this morning in their lounge pants crying their eyes out for the complete opposite reason — they’ve just registered their baby for kindergarten! It’s an emotional decision, no matter which choice mama makes.

When Andrew and I began this discussion process about kindergarten, we were in pretty different places, but as we spent time processing, praying, and talking with many people about our decision, we both had the same idea running through our minds when we finally sat down to discuss this last night: It will not do any harm to give her another year to grow and get ready. While, on the contrary, sending her too soon could set her up for struggle in her academic career. I love when God does this — brings two people to the same page in an important decision.

I have agonized over this decision. Being an educator myself has been both a blessing and a curse. School is, to me, about academics, because I teach high school. (Although in practice I do teach A LOT more than academics to my high schoolers!) But the general notion of school is that it has to do with your intelligence and your learning. And this is why I’ve struggled so — Sophie is completely ready academically for kindergarten. All of her teachers agree that she probably has more academic skills than some little ones who will start kindergarten this fall. Letters, sounds, shapes, colors, numbers and counting, she’s got it. So if she’s academically ready, why not send her??

If you’re new to Sophie’s Story, you may not know that she was born with a condition called hypotonia. It’s not a syndrome, but usually an indicator of a syndrome. In spite of much testing and many different types of doctors, we’ve never found a cause for her hypotonia. She has no known syndrome that we’ve looked at. But she does still have hypotonia. She will always have it. And it can be linked to just about every delay she has experienced.

Hypotonia is a condition of the muscles in which their tone is lower than a typical person’s muscles. I picture it like this: a typical muscle is like a tight, thick rubber band. It is strong and can hold more pressure than a long thin rubber band. Sophie’s muscles are more like those long thin rubber bands, or ones that have been stretched out and lost their tautness. It’s nothing to do with strength; it’s the physical structure of her muscles. When Sophie was a baby, hypotonia caused delays in her gross motor skills like sitting up, crawling, and walking. It also caused her delay in speech, because, even though we don’t realize it, there is great muscle involvement in our speech. Now we see it more in her fine motor development – handwriting, drawing, opening packages and using silverware, dressing and undressing, toileting needs, etc. In addition, because of her speech delay, we see some delays socially. Sophie didn’t learn a lot of social skills at the typical time because she was not able to speak. On top of that, she’s most definitely an introvert.

The educator in me revolts because I know that the purpose of Sophie’s IEP is to remove the barriers that could keep her from being successful academically. Her barriers are physical, and we could have accommodations in her IEP that would allow her to go to kindergarten and be successful. But, as I said before, Sophie will always have hypotonia, and we can never be certain when she’ll be able to master a given skill. If we send her to kindergarten too soon, while her IEP can help her succeed, we’re starting her course for the next 13 years, and thereby giving her less time to succeed at those lingering delays before they become more noticeable to other children. Please don’t think that’s shallow — the way Sophie’s peers perceive her will impact her development, and the way that she matches up to her peers will also effect her own self-image. We want to send her to school as able as possible. So while she is completely academically able, Andrew and I agree that she could only benefit from more time to catch up in some physical abilities, to grow more independent, and to continue growing socially.

Although I really do think this is the very best decision for Sophie, there is still sadness in it for me. I’m struggling to identify where that sadness is even coming from. I feel like I should just be so glad for such an awesome all-day program that she can do next year at preschool. I guess I’m coming back to the realization that acceptance is always a process, at every stage in the game of special needs. I struggle very much with people who misunderstand Sophie’s needs and think that she has mental impairments. I struggle knowing that others may assume she’s not going to kindergarten for intellectual reasons. (Hence my overly lengthy description of our reasons.) But no matter the sadness and the struggle for me, I choose to do what I think is best for Sophie. In my heart, I trust that God sees our year ahead and knows all the things about it that I cannot possibly know. We’ve committed our decision to him, and we’re trusting that he will bless Sophie’s life.

 

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February 24, 2017 · 7:40 pm

Sophie’s Story: “I’m good at talking”

This morning my beautiful butterfly said these amazing words to me: “I’m good at talking.” To me, this sums up exactly how much she has changed in a year. Not only can she speak fairly well, with a huge vocabulary and complex thoughts, but she is confident in her ability. This is wonderful!

With her recent birthday I’ve already been very reflective on her past year. But we are also engaged in the process of trying to decide her placement for next school year, so my processing has been in overdrive, and I’ve had many conversations with people who know Sophie well and care about her future deeply. So many beautiful realizations emerging!

Sophie hasn’t had an incredibly academic year, which caused me some concern initially when pondering her placement for next year, but as I’ve reflected, I’ve realized the many other areas she’s grown which are equally essential for her future success.

* She’s substantially more toilet trained than she was even six months ago. Although we still have occasional accidents, we’ve said farewell to pull-ups!
* Her fine motor coordination has increased in many ways — from scissors and glue and crafts to dressing and undressing.
* Socially she has exploded with confidence. Even though she still often struggles to converse with peers, she’s aware of what should be said and done in social situations. And she grows more and more comfortable relating to people outside her immediate circle. The more I talk with her educators, the more I hear how important the social aspect of development is for success in school.
* And of course, her speech has exploded continuously since she began to speak 18 months ago. (Was that really just 18 months ago?!) Her vocabulary is just so big, and her sentences have become more and more complex.

So many wonderful gains! I’m so proud of my girl!

So now we are in the difficult place of deciding where to send her for school next year. We have two options, if you’re curious.

*  We can send her back to preschool to an all day class that is only for 5 year olds who need a little more time before kindergarten. There are no brand new three year olds in this class (nor even four year olds), so the teacher is able to accomplish a lot more academically in the day. Plus, the day is longer, allowing more time for learning. She would be remaining in the program we have loved for the past two years, but in a class more appropriate for her age and more challenging for her as well.

*  Or, we can send her on to kindergarten in the general ed classroom in our school district. This school is a block and a half from our house, which is fantastic. But wow! kindergarten! Yikes! I had all but ruled this one out as we began the discussion of where Sophie should go, but some of her educators do feel that she is up to the transition.

The weight of this decision feels huge! There are pros and cons to both choices. And I’m trying to keep in mind that both would be good choices — not one right and one wrong choice. (And of course there’s the emotions of pregnancy clouding my rational thought, which helps nothing!!) We meet with her “team” of teachers next week to get their input on the best placement for Sophie (how amazing is it that she has a team of almost 10 people who are concerned about her future placement and invested in her growth?!). I hope this meeting will give us insights that will help us make this difficult choice. Above all, we really appreciate your prayers as we make this decision.

Standing on Jeremiah 29:11 “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘ Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.'”

And James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault.”

We know that God will lead us and help us to make the best decision for our sweet Sophie girl! I’ll keep you posted on the decision……..

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February 13, 2017 · 7:08 pm

Sophie’s Story: Happy Birthday, Sweet Butterfly

Today is my sweet Sophie’s 5th birthday! For her birthday this year, Sophie’s grandparents gave her a butterfly themed birthday gift, from a craft to a sweet twirly dress. Her grandma commented, “A beautiful butterfly… she has come out of her chrysalis this year.” I was struck by such a beautiful and perfect symbol for Sophie’s year. Although many days I have faced frustrations and discouragement with her, in reflecting on her year as a whole, I can see so clearly that her journey this past year has been beautiful.

When she turned 4, Sophie’s speech had begun exploding, but mostly at home. She was very shy around everyone else. Over this year, we have seen her emerge from her shell, gaining confidence to speak to others outside our home, and learning sass and spunk in her speech. Speaking fully in complex sentences now, some of Sophie’s favorite things to say these days include “I know what I’m doing, Mommy,” and “Don’t tell me what to do, Micah,” as well as “I’m just joking!” When I called her the “birthday girl” recently, she replied, “No, I’m not the birthday girl. I’m the birthday lady!” Spunky and sassy to be sure!

This Sunday as we came into church, Sophie saw her best little buddy, Isabella. She ran up and greeted her with a hug and said, “Hi, friend.” A year ago, she was only beginning to emerge from her shell; she would have been too shy for such a greeting. Our friends and family were lucky to get a wave a year ago, but now we see moments like this everyday.

This tiny gift which graced our lives 5 years ago has taught me so much. My mother often says that a woman’s true education begins when she becomes a mother. In many ways this is true for me. My journey with Sophie has developed in me a grit, a determination, a courage that I didn’t possess before her. I have stared bad news in the face and chosen to trust God anyways. I have faced discouragement and fear but kept walking forward in faith. I have watched my sweet girl show more determination and perseverance than many adults I know. As Sophie turns 5, we still face discouragement, bad news, fears, but we have also seen our beautiful butterfly emerging from her chrysalis. It has been breathtaking watching our sweet butterfly emerge and show the world her beautiful colors this year.

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January 26, 2017 · 7:42 pm

Baby Update No. 2: Twenty Weeks

“Baby has a beautiful heart.”

These were the precious words our sonographer told us during our ultrasound this past Monday. Of course she meant medically speaking, but what beautiful words to have spoken over our unborn child, just 10 ounces big. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. A strong heartbeat. Every measurement was perfect. Baby slept just like I do, with one hand up by my face.

Boy or girl remains a mystery.

Twenty weeks into pregnancy I remain certain of the eternal significance of THIS child. A beautiful heart. I claim that in full faith.

Our visit with the high risk physician at the hospital could not have gone better. We spent the better part of an hour discussing my confusing and relatively foggy medical history with our specialist, Dr. Matt. What a great doctor. He reviewed some of my past medical notes and listened to my story. I intrigued him, he said, because he had a particular interest in stroke patients. His wife suffered two strokes before going on to have multiple healthy pregnancies.

His view on my history was that my stroke occurred during my first pregnancy, and that my vertigo was perhaps a separate issue altogether, due to the other things going on with my inner ear. That makes a lot of sense, although it’s not something we can ever be 100% certain of. But given my symptoms at 38 weeks with Sophie, he felt that was more likely when the stroke occurred. He found it greatly reassuring that I had since had a completely healthy and normal pregnancy with Micah. And he encouraged us to find that reassuring as well.

After hearing my story and reviewing my records, he felt that my risk for another incident of stroke in pregnancy was very low. Praise Jesus! What a weight lifted!

He understood (because of his wife and also his profession) what it felt like for me being labeled as having a “history of stroke” with every doctor I’ve seen, and how that has caused unnecessary fear in our lives, especially since the pregnancy. It has been a heavy diagnosis to carry, like many other diagnoses that are serious and lifelong and just never really leave you. Even my neurologist had warned, finger wagging at me, “now don’t go getting pregnant again because your next stroke might not be a tiny one,” as if a next stroke was a certainty instead of a minuscule risk. Dr Matt was able to put things in a different perspective for us and gave us a much needed second opinion which offered us so much hope and took a huge weight off our shoulders. He’s even going so far as to get us another opinion beyond his own. He’s requesting all my original imaging so that he can view everything himself and have his own OB Neuro specialists review them, too. After that he will make a final decision about my risk, but he feels confident that everything about this pregnancy is and will be healthy and fine.

Thanks be to God for his indescribable mercy and goodness! I am overjoyed with the gift of this sweet child to our family!

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January 9, 2017 · 3:43 pm

Sabbath

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Yesterday was Sunday. We went to church, and when the kids laid down for their nap, I contemplated all the things that I needed to do — put away laundry, tidy up the toy area, sweep floors, clean the bathroom, run to the store, and on and on. When you stay at home, you never leave work, and the job is never done. But you know what I did? I spent time talking with my husband, I read a book, and I took a nap. When my kids got up, I laid on the couch with them and relaxed.

It. Felt. Great.

Why? Sabbath. We were not designed to go, go, go nonstop. We need to stop and rest. It’s hard to do that when there are so many things clamoring for our time and attention in the warp speed of our culture. So many good things (better than cleaning!), too! I did nothing yesterday afternoon, but my soul was refreshed. I was recharged and ready to meet the new week.

We are actually commanded to stop and rest, but, as with all commands, we have to make the choice to do it. It’s easier to just keep going, but rest is good for the soul. So stop. Take a break. Read a book. Take a nap. Spend time with family. It’s not laziness, as some of us at home moms might feel. It’s commanded by God, and it’s good for your soul. So take a break. It’s really ok. When your soul is refreshed and rested, you’ll do a far better job being the person you’re trying to be through the week.

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January 6, 2017 · 3:41 pm

A Mother’s Prayer for 2017

I’ve been at home with my babies on Christmas break the past two weeks. A magical time you might think. But we caught a nasty bug. So I’ve felt more trapped than able to enjoy a magical Christmas. In the past week I’ve been out of the house for a grand total of one hour. One. Out of 168 hours, 167 of them have been inside the four walls of my house. Don’t get me wrong, I love my people. Love ’em. But wow is mommy ready to get out of the house!

In these many hours at home, I’ve had lots of time for reflection. The end of the year always brings a certain reflective spirit anyways, and with lots of time to be with and therefore think about my children, I’ve been evaluating my relationship with them.

I feel like the majority of my day is spent saying “no” or “don’t do that.” Negatives are always coming out of my mouth. I don’t like that. While correction is of course necessary, I don’t like to feel like my words are constantly tearing down my children, a pile of negativity resting on their little heads, filling their little minds. I want to be the lifter of their heads, the one who builds their self image, the one who calls forth in them what God has created them to be. So my prayer for 2017 has become “Lord, help my children to become all that you have created them to be, and help me to call that forth in them.”

Correction will still be needed. God has given me authority to raise my children, and he has called me to train them in the way they should go. “No” will always be a necessary word. But my heart towards my children won’t be just to control their behavior or only to stop their maddening habits. (Two year olds have many of these!) In Ephesians 4, Paul writes about our maturing process, which includes “speaking the truth in love.” This is the reflection I want my correction to be to my children, the truth spoken in love. I’ve already failed at this, countless times, but that doesn’t mean that my heart has lost sight of this goal. And sometimes the truth needs to pack a verbal punch! Whether spoken in calm or in passion, I want my words to my children to call out what God has created in them. I’m their mother; if I don’t call this out in them now, who will? This certainly isn’t what the world will call out in them. As they grow and enter the world more and more, I want them to be “rooted and established in love,” in the certainty of who they are in Christ. If I want them to be compassionate, they need to see compassion at home. If I want them to be respectful, they need to be taught what that looks like. If I want them to know Jesus, they need to see him in my life.

Lord, help my children to be all that you have created them to be, and help me to call this forth in them.img_3335

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December 6, 2016 · 7:09 pm

Baby Update No. 1

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We’ve passed the first trimester already! And with it has passed the morning sickness! I’ve had some energy return, and it’s been easier to function, not feeling so nauseated all the time. Now I am trying to remember to eat frequently so that I’m not overtaken by HANGER. Every pregnancy this catches me by surprise. I finish the constant snacking stage of morning sickness and resume regular eating habits only to be shocked at my emotional breakdowns simply because I’ve gotten too hungry.

I’ve heard baby’s heartbeat twice now and cried both times. Some may call me hormonal, but I say that my heart knows the abundant grace of God who has lavished this undeserved and unexpected blessing on my life. I’m overwhelmed by his goodness to me. In many ways it still doesn’t seem real.

So far I’ve managed to skate by without being categorized as “high risk.” My blood pressure remains very good, and I have had no issues with vertigo, other than the occasional moment, which is not uncommon in my day to day. My initial ultrasound looked very good, and baby has a strong heart rate. I saw our sweet little peanut moving around, at just 7 weeks gestation. Sweet, sweet life. So tiny.

Even though everything is going really well with the pregnancy, I am still being referred to a specialist at the end of January for my 20 week appointment. This is entirely because of my history. My doctor has assured me that this is only a precaution, and that it will likely be a one-time visit. If things should not go well, the specialist will keep me on for the remainder of my pregnancy. We will be on the look out for high blood pressure, which was likely the culprit of my stroke during my first pregnancy. I appreciate your continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy.

Sophie and Micah are very excited about the baby. They both would like a girl-baby. I have tried to prepare them for the possibility that they may get a boy-baby, but they remain convinced. They have ordered a girl-baby. We are still trying to decide if we will find out baby’s gender in January or if we will wait until June 19. 28 weeks to go!

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November 28, 2016 · 1:14 am

For my Teacher Friends

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We are entering the sometimes difficult weeks between Thanksgiving break and Christmas break. Hopefully we are refreshed from a few days off. But maybe we are dreading going back into the difficulties of our classrooms. Some of us need to hear this tonight: You matter more than you think you do. You are doing more than you think you are.

A couple weeks back I sat observing my “at risk” students during their dinner hour at school. Their social behavior and their deplorable language provides a good glimpse into the immense dysfunction of their world. As I watched them, I felt the depth of their pit, for lack of a better word. Many of them are already felons at just 14 or 15 years old. I thought to myself, they are in such a deep pit, how will I ever provide a way out, let alone the first rung in the ladder leading out? How can I ever help fix their lives? It seems impossible.

I want this for my kids though. Because in the short time I’ve known them, I’ve grown to love them. I’ve seen the ways that life has mistreated them. And while that doesn’t excuse their behaviors and choices, it certainly gives me understanding, rather than judgment, for their choices. I want them out of the pit.

So I show up. I push them. I help them. I celebrate them. I know them and I let them know me. I give them the unconditional love of Jesus, in hopes of pointing them to him. He is the ladder. He is the fix. It will never be me.

After a “productive” night of class one evening, after helping these students experience some of the first academic successes they’ve had in a long time, on a night where I felt like I actually did do some good, I sat pondering my own educational career. Curiosity led me to recall my teachers over the years. At 33 years of age, I can remember the names of every single teacher who taught me from kindergarten through twelfth grade.

Every. Single. One.

Why is that? Because they impacted me. They made a difference in my life. Some of them loved me through my mom’s cancer. Others called me on to be a leader. Many prayed with me and for me. They counseled me. They challenged me. They celebrated me. Few people in my life have impacted me the way that my teachers have. I don’t claim that all of my students will remember me by name and feel that I impacted their lives, but some might. And that’s enough to keep me doing what I’m doing.

If you are a teacher, as you head into the trenches tomorrow remember: You matter more than you think you do. You are doing more than you think you are.

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November 25, 2016 · 1:10 am

70 Notes of Thanks

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My Dear Sweet Mom,

You are turning 70 years old today, and I celebrate all that you are! As I try to contemplate all the ways that I am thankful for you, I’m simply overwhelmed. On this Thanksgiving Day, your 70th birthday, I say thank you.

1. Thank you for loving me. While it seems that a mother’s love is always a given, as an educator, I have seen that this is not the case. There are many mothers who do not love their children. Or their form of love for their children is selfish, weak, or conditional. Yours has been the unconditional agape love of our Father God. Yours has been a love that chooses to do what is best for the beholden, regardless of difficulty.

2. Thank you for living loyalty. In our world today, friendships and even family relationships can change in the blink of an eye. You have shown me how to live loyally. You have never forsaken a friend. You have seldom failed to be there for a friend in a time of need.

3. Thank you for DOing your faith. You are not just talk; you are action. How many meals have I watched you prepare for friends in times of need? How many times have you fed the church work day? The Japanese teachers? The entire youth group? You have shown me that love and faith are not just words or feelings; they are action. They require DOing.

4. Thank you for teaching me that some thoughts don’t need to be spoken. This is an invaluable lesson to me. I learned self-control in an area where I had none.

5. Thank you for committing your life to my dad. Our society has so cheapened marriage and romantic love. Every day for my 33 years I have watched you live out the definition of a committed and loving marriage. Times may not have been easy, but you never wavered in your commitment.

6. Thank you for listening to me. Man, I could talk to leg off a brass horse, and I know it! But you always listen to every word. Although I love to talk, you have also taught me how to listen.

7. Thank you for forgiving me. Now that I’m a mom, I can see exactly how offensive children can be to their parents. I’m sure there were no shortage of offenses as I grew up. Spoken or unspoken, I know that you have always offered forgiveness.

8. Thank you for making me keep my priorities. It’s easy to be selfish, especially as a teenager, but you always helped me to see that it was important to keep my priorities in order. If I was committed to something at church, it was important to show up. If I needed to do schoolwork, then that ought to come before fun. Chores had to be done before TV time.

9. Thank you for teaching me about Jesus. Jesus was in everything we did, from our Advent Calendar at Christmas, to our Bible promise cards each morning, from our prayers before every meal, to the songs we sang as children and the music you played as we grew up. Jesus is the center, and as a mom this is something I strive to keep at the center of my family as well.

10. Thank you for blowing bubbles in the milk with me and Andrew when life was just getting too serious. I try to remember to exhibit the same lightheartedness with my kids.

11. Thank you for thinking of me. From care packages in college, to special outfits when I was growing up, to notes in the mail, you’ve always reminded me that I’m never outside your thoughts. You always go the extra distance to be thoughtful.

12. Thank you for taking me camping. I have some of my fondest childhood memories rooted in our annual camping trips. Now that I am the mom, I realize how much work it is to go camping. You did it tirelessly and never complained.

13. Thank you for praying with me and for me. Prayers at bedtime. Prayers at meals. Prayers at DTS. Prayers before long car rides back to college. Prayers in times of trial and sadness. Prayers for health. Prayers for my babies. Prayers on the phone. So many prayers. When you don’t know what to say or do, you’ve taught me that prayer is always the answer.

14. Thank you for teaching me how to be a servant. When I think of the ways you’ve spent your time, I see servanthood everywhere. You’ve served our family. You’ve served your church. You’ve served your friends. You’ve served people who you don’t like very much. You’ve served Daddy. From meal-making and cleaning, to car rides and mentoring, your life has been one of service.

15. Thank you for helping me learn to make healthy choices. Your dedication to exercise and to cooking healthy food stands out when I think of my time at home. I know you did this because you wanted to stay healthy for our family. You showed me that good health in the long term is more important than a tasty treat had too often.

16. Thank you for fighting cancer. You took up that cross and you bore that sucker with the utmost humility and grace, if such a thing is possible. You could have given up so many times. Thank you for not doing that.

17. Thank you for always giving me your time. So. Much. Time. I’m sure as a baby I required infinitely more time than I did as I grew up. But I don’t remember that. What I do remember is how you showed up for everything. You came to every sporting event. You took me shopping for prom dresses. You came to all my wedding planning appointments. You waiting anxiously as I had my babies. You gave your time at my house to care for my family when we had those new babies. You have always been generous with your time.

18. Thank you for so many yummy recipes. Nobody makes veggie soup, spaghetti sauce, or chocolate chip cookies like you! Not to mention chicken pot pie, apple crisp, potato quiche, pancakes or waffles. It never tastes quiet as good as when you make it, but when I cook your recipes, I’m always reminded of the loving home you provided and the many meals we shared.

19. Thank you for family meal times. Our schedule was often crazy because of sports or Dad’s work schedule, but you always made sure that we had a family meal each day, even if it was a noon or at 4:30. We even had breakfast together so many mornings! Those family times helped create support and stability in our home.

20. Thank you for never giving up on your dream of having children. I know you waited a long time. I know there were many tears. I know you went to baby shower after baby shower. But you never gave up on the children you knew God had for you. I know it was hard to wait, but I’m thankful for God’s perfect timing.

21. Thank you for all the many hand-sew and hand-crocheted items you have made for me and now for my children. I remember (and still have) many Easter outfits and special quilts. Now there are the baby sweaters, the NiNis, the blankets. So many precious items that will forever be treasured.

22. Thank you for giving me chores. I learned early on that the dishes won’t clean themselves, the clothes won’t fold themselves, the dust won’t magically blow away. I also learned that each member of the family, no matter what age, can help and contribute to the success of the home.

23. Thank you for letting me “help” with baking. Now that I have a little girl who likes to “help” with my baking, I realize what patience it takes. I’m sure I made a mess. I’m sure it took three times as long to do it with me as it would have to do it on your own. I treasure those memories, some of my earliest memories of you and I together.

24. Thank you for worshipping visibly. Any time you were in the kitchen, you had the worship music going. And I know that as you worked and sang, you also worshipped. In church you never held back from kneeling before the Lord or raising your hands in worship. This has been a powerful example to me.

25. Thank you for passing me the ability to write. Writing is like breathing to me. And, while I know it was God who chose to bless me with that skill, it also comes from your genes. Maybe someday I’ll be able to write a book like you have.

26. Thank you for going on adventures with me. I’m thinking of the boy-band era here. We had some exciting car trips so that me and my friends could go see these heartthrobs in concert. While I remember the thrill of those concerts, I also remember that it was you who piled us all in the minivan and put up with our craziness, even driving to other states, paying money, buying us food, and going to a concert with a bunch of crazy teenage girls. Stephanie, Jessica, Katie K and Nikki thank you as well. 🙂

27. Thank you for teaching me to read and instilling in me a love for it. Some of my other earliest memories with you are of trips to the library. Again, now that I take my little ones there, I know that it’s almost more of a headache than it’s worth sometimes! But I treasure those memories.

28. Thank you for reading to me. There’s something special about time spent reading before bed. We did it for years. I know that’s why I love to read so much now.

29. Thank you for telling me “no.” Sometimes “yes” is a far easier answer with children, but it’s no that teaches us that we’re not the center of the universe, and that we can’t always have our way. It’s no that teaches us self-discipline and respect for authority.

30. Thank you for making time with grandparents a priority. You knew that we would have far less time with our grandparents than most kids did, and you made it a point to go and visit them. I am thankful that I got to know them as well as I did at a young age. I wouldn’t have if you’d not made them a priority.

31. Thank you for family game nights. I learned to laugh with my family and to like my family because we played together.

32. Thank you for doing the laundry. There is always so. much. laundry. You washed load after load of my clothing, even when I came home from college! That was truly above and beyond.

33. Thank you for packing my lunch, every night, for 12 years. That’s a lot of lunches. Somewhere in the vicinity of 2,160 lunches, give or take a few snow days and sick days.

34. Thank you for disciplining me. Another unpleasant task of motherhood. You trained me in the way that I should go, and I can never say thank you enough for that.

35. Thank you for the birthday parties, cakes, presents and special times celebrating my life.

36. Thank you for being generous. I’ve lost count of how much money I owe you. I’m sure you haven’t. BUT you never cease to be generous. Whenever we have a need, I know you are there. You always have been.

37. Thank you for sacrificing your sleep at night when I was afraid. I’ve lost quite a few hours of sleep now with babies who can’t sleep. I know you must have been tired, but you always came and laid down with me anyways.

38. Thank you for the backbreaking work of gardening and canning so that our family could enjoy fresh, healthy food all year long. I know there’s nothing better than fresh corn on the cob, fresh tomatoes, and homemade applesauce.

39. Thank you for making financial sacrifices so that I could go to a private Christian school. I am so thankful for the education that I received. The teachers supported me through each stage of my academic and spiritual growth.

40. Thank you for teaching me about modesty and purity as a woman. I learned self-respect and how to look like the woman God created me to be.

41. Thank you for indoor picnics on the green blanket, and for never crying over spilled milk. You made mealtimes fun and never took life too seriously.

42. Thank you for no-thank-you helpings. Although I still don’t like green trees, I did learn to like a lot of other foods! And I learned that sometimes we have to eat things we don’t like that much because they are good for us.

43. Thank you for always making church a priority for our family. We went to everything, and so we were woven into the tapestry of the church body. Our church became our family in so many ways.

44. Thank you for allowing and funding so many amazing opportunities, from camps and DTS, to missions trips and school trips. I’ve seen more of the states and the world than many. Now that I’m a mom, I have a panic attack when I think about sending my children overseas without me. But you opened your hands and let me go where God was taking me.

45. Thank you for teaching me never to make negative confessions. There is so much more power in the words we say than we realize. You taught me never to open the door to let Satan work or to give him any opportunities. I have learned to speak positively and take my fears to the Lord instead.

46. Thank you for always keeping homemade sweets on hand, particularly your famous cookies, which I am now craving. Many of my friends stopped at the cookie jar before coming to locate me in the house. A true testament to the goodness of the cookie. I know it took time and effort to keep home-baked goodies around, but you always made sure it happened.

47. Thank you for imposing limits, from TV and video games, to treats and bedtimes. I learned self-discipline and delayed gratification, among other things.

48. Thank you for choosing to parent rather than to be my friend as I grew up. I needed parental guidance to learn how to be a decent person.

49. Thank you for becoming my best friend now that I am grown. There is literally no friend dearer to my heart, nor more cherished.

50. Thank you for Boston Brown Bread. MMMMMMMMM.

51. Thank you for trusting the Lord at every turn. No matter whether the need was financial, or for healing, or direction, you always placed your trust in God’s goodness and believed that he was in control. Your example has helped me to place my trust in him even through life’s most frightening moments.

52. Thank you for living with compassion. You were and are the kindest mother, not a push-over, by any means, but so kind. Beyond our home you have showed compassion to countless other women who have needed it the most. I strive to live with your compassion for my children and for the friends in my life.

53. Thank you for living a life of peace that provided a peaceful life for me. Ours was never a home of strife. Even in tense circumstances, you rarely seemed ruffled. I’m sure that inwardly you were, but outwardly you maintained a peaceful demeanor. This protected me from much, and it also pointed me at the Source of our peace.

54. Thank you for exhibiting patience. It is easy as a mom to lose your cool with the kids. I rarely remember this happening. Beyond the home, you have always been patient in difficult situations and with difficult people.

55. Thank you for teaching me by example how to honor and protect my spouse. You taught me how important it is to always speak well of my husband, to keep his name as safe in my mouth.

56. Thank you for teaching me the truth of I Peter 3:3-4 “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” You not only taught this, but you lived it as well!

57. Thank you for living a life of self-sacrifice. I know that you always put everyone else’s needs above your own.

58. Thank you for dealing with all the bodily fluids. They can be so overwhelming.

59. Thank you for tapping on the bathroom wall, and years later, the bathroom door. This is one of my earliest memories, and one of the fondest.

60. Thank you for always calling me your “favorite girl in all the world.” It made me feel so special, and it still does.

61. Thank you for teaching me that I don’t have to be perfect. I just need to do my best and trust in God’s grace for the rest.

62. Thank you for pointing me back to the Scripture whenever I have a concern or a need. You’ve always been able to give me a verse that helps with anything I am dealing with.

63. Thank you for praying a love of Scripture over my life. That prayer opened a door for me that has changed my life forever. I have never forgotten that moment.

64. Thank you for introducing me to Dove dark chocolate. There’s just nothing quite like it.

65. Thank you for so many trips to the DQ. Another treasured family memory for me.

66. Thank you for believing in me in a way that helped me realize my unique gifts and talents. You instilled self-confidence in me by allowing me to try different things, and encouraging me when I did well.

67. Thank you for making me apologize when I did something wrong. Saying “I’m sorry” is not an easy thing to do, but it is so important, as is saying “I forgive you.” Early on you taught me this vital process in keeping my heart free from bitterness.

68. Thank you for keeping a sense of humor. From hidden asparagus to food-colored milk, and contagious laughter during family card games and meals. I caught your contagious laughter, and it strikes now and then, till the tears run down my cheeks. And I always think of you.

69. Thank you for retail therapy. I wish we still lived close enough that we could just take off for an afternoon and go shopping together like we used to. I cherish those memories of time spent just you and me.

70. Thank you for your amazing example of motherhood. Although we are different in our temperaments, I strive to be like you as a mom in every way that I can (actually probably because of my temperament…). I know I’m not perfect, but I try to love my kids and point them to Jesus, and trust that his grace is more than enough for my weaknesses. This I learned from you.

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November 7, 2016 · 1:07 am

The Belated Bloom

“He has made everything beautiful in its time…”
morning_glory

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have a Morning Glory on my fence. It’s one of my favorite plants each year. I love the way it grows and climbs, and the bright blue flowers are exquisite. But this year, day after day, week after week, my Morning Glory didn’t bud or bloom. I was so disappointed. I thought it wasn’t going to bloom at all. After waiting all summer (because it’s a late bloomer), I thought there wasn’t going to be any reward for the wait. Humph. I was disgruntled by the uncooperative nature of my plant.

This unruly plant started my wheels turning, though, and I started seeing how frustrated I become by things that are outside my control. Motherhood has been one big lesson in relaxing for me, in letting go, slowing down. With my return to work this fall, we hit some parenting road blocks that I’ve been really frustrated about.

For instance, while I often use my blog to celebrate Sophie’s amazing progress, there are also many days that my heart is so frustrated over her snail’s pace. She learns things more slowly, and she is naturally a person who moves at a slower pace. My return to work has caused some regression in some of her behaviors as she strives to cope with her changing reality. Little ones can’t control very much about their lives, so when changes shift their worlds, they exert control in the only ways they can. For Micah, this is temper tantrums and emotional spewing. And that is just lovely. For Sophie, it’s regressing in areas of independence in order to achieve more attention by acting more dependent — wanting to be carried around, wanting to be fed, wetting her pants, pulling out her hair. We made so much progress in her independent function this summer, so it is extremely frustrating to see her regressing. And it’s hard knowing that her separation from me is rocking her equilibrium. I fought with Sophie for several weeks in these areas of regression, trying to get her to continue in the positive and independent behaviors we established this summer, but it was like banging my head against a wall. I couldn’t make her do it. I couldn’t force the bloom. When I finally saw what was happening and just let go, and just lavished her with love, she started to come out of her regressions.

Just like that plant — there wasn’t a darn thing I could do to make it bloom. There wasn’t a lot that I could do to move Sophie through this regression. I just had to wait. I got frustrated. I got tired of waiting. It felt like the bloom would never come. I’m guilty of wanting things to just happen right now; waiting is hard when the reward remains out of sight.

But then, in the first week of October, my Morning Glory sent out two beautiful blue flowers. They bloomed all day, revealing the depth of confusion in this plant. I now call it my “All Day Glory,” because it can be found with flowers on it just about any time of day. It’s been blooming for a month now, and more buds appear each day. In spite of the two hard frosts we’ve had, it blooms on.

Sometimes you just have to wait longer than expected for the bloom. But then when it does appear, it is more rewarding and more beautiful than a less anticipated bloom.

We have another bloom coming. It’s not a bloom we planned on or expected … It’s a bloom that I grieved and said goodbye to when I saw my final MRI results, when my neurologist confirmed again, “you’ve definitely suffered a stroke.” We were cautioned to consider carefully growing our family any further when doctors concluded my stroke was a result of pregnancy, and so I worked to envision my family as one of only four. I struggled. I prayed. I waited. And waited. And I accepted life. I grew content. I enjoyed being with my tribe. I loved my two babies. And now I will love a third.

After the mind-blowing shock has worn away, I find that I trust my Father’s timing. I always have. If I had been born when my parents desired me, I’d be a good decade older! For reasons known only to him, God has chosen this babe, and not the one I desired much sooner, the one that I let go of having. My heart feels certain that this has always been the plan. This person is the one God planned on. He or she is eternally significant. In June we will meet this sweet babe, our belated bloom.

Although we had altered our plans because of my health, God has re-orchestrated those plans once again. We trust that he is able to uphold my health throughout this pregnancy, and we ask for your prayers for my health. Each morning when I wake up, I am thankful to have another day. Somehow my heightened awareness of my fragility has bloomed a new gratitude for life in me and a new awareness of what really matters. Every day I’m given with Sophie and Micah and Andrew is a gift, and I am so thankful.

No matter what the next months hold, I have chosen to believe that God is big enough. He is big enough to keep me from another stroke. He is big enough to protect my life. And if he chooses otherwise, then he is big enough to keep my beloved husband and my sweet babies in his care. He is big enough.

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