Category Archives: Life Stories

“Baby has a beautiful heart.”

These were the precious words our sonographer told us during our ultrasound this past Monday. Of course she meant medically speaking, but what beautiful words to have spoken over our unborn child, just 10 ounces big. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. A strong heartbeat. Every measurement was perfect. Baby slept just like I do, with one hand up by my face.

Boy or girl remains a mystery.

Twenty weeks into pregnancy I remain certain of the eternal significance of THIS child. A beautiful heart. I claim that in full faith.

Our visit with the high risk physician at the hospital could not have gone better. We spent the better part of an hour discussing my confusing and relatively foggy medical history with our specialist, Dr. Matt. What a great doctor. He reviewed some of my past medical notes and listened to my story. I intrigued him, he said, because he had a particular interest in stroke patients. His wife suffered two strokes before going on to have multiple healthy pregnancies.

His view on my history was that my stroke occurred during my first pregnancy, and that my vertigo was perhaps a separate issue altogether, due to the other things going on with my inner ear. That makes a lot of sense, although it’s not something we can ever be 100% certain of. But given my symptoms at 38 weeks with Sophie, he felt that was more likely when the stroke occurred. He found it greatly reassuring that I had since had a completely healthy and normal pregnancy with Micah. And he encouraged us to find that reassuring as well.

After hearing my story and reviewing my records, he felt that my risk for another incident of stroke in pregnancy was very low. Praise Jesus! What a weight lifted!

He understood (because of his wife and also his profession) what it felt like for me being labeled as having a “history of stroke” with every doctor I’ve seen, and how that has caused unnecessary fear in our lives, especially since the pregnancy. It has been a heavy diagnosis to carry, like many other diagnoses that are serious and lifelong and just never really leave you. Even my neurologist had warned, finger wagging at me, “now don’t go getting pregnant again because your next stroke might not be a tiny one,” as if a next stroke was a certainty instead of a minuscule risk. Dr Matt was able to put things in a different perspective for us and gave us a much needed second opinion which offered us so much hope and took a huge weight off our shoulders. He’s even going so far as to get us another opinion beyond his own. He’s requesting all my original imaging so that he can view everything himself and have his own OB Neuro specialists review them, too. After that he will make a final decision about my risk, but he feels confident that everything about this pregnancy is and will be healthy and fine.

Thanks be to God for his indescribable mercy and goodness! I am overjoyed with the gift of this sweet child to our family!

I’ve been at home with my babies on Christmas break the past two weeks. A magical time you might think. But we caught a nasty bug. So I’ve felt more trapped than able to enjoy a magical Christmas. In the past week I’ve been out of the house for a grand total of one hour. One. Out of 168 hours, 167 of them have been inside the four walls of my house. Don’t get me wrong, I love my people. Love ’em. But wow is mommy ready to get out of the house!

In these many hours at home, I’ve had lots of time for reflection. The end of the year always brings a certain reflective spirit anyways, and with lots of time to be with and therefore think about my children, I’ve been evaluating my relationship with them.

I feel like the majority of my day is spent saying “no” or “don’t do that.” Negatives are always coming out of my mouth. I don’t like that. While correction is of course necessary, I don’t like to feel like my words are constantly tearing down my children, a pile of negativity resting on their little heads, filling their little minds. I want to be the lifter of their heads, the one who builds their self image, the one who calls forth in them what God has created them to be. So my prayer for 2017 has become “Lord, help my children to become all that you have created them to be, and help me to call that forth in them.”

Correction will still be needed. God has given me authority to raise my children, and he has called me to train them in the way they should go. “No” will always be a necessary word. But my heart towards my children won’t be just to control their behavior or only to stop their maddening habits. (Two year olds have many of these!) In Ephesians 4, Paul writes about our maturing process, which includes “speaking the truth in love.” This is the reflection I want my correction to be to my children, the truth spoken in love. I’ve already failed at this, countless times, but that doesn’t mean that my heart has lost sight of this goal. And sometimes the truth needs to pack a verbal punch! Whether spoken in calm or in passion, I want my words to my children to call out what God has created in them. I’m their mother; if I don’t call this out in them now, who will? This certainly isn’t what the world will call out in them. As they grow and enter the world more and more, I want them to be “rooted and established in love,” in the certainty of who they are in Christ. If I want them to be compassionate, they need to see compassion at home. If I want them to be respectful, they need to be taught what that looks like. If I want them to know Jesus, they need to see him in my life.

Lord, help my children to be all that you have created them to be, and help me to call this forth in them.

We’ve passed the first trimester already! And with it has passed the morning sickness! I’ve had some energy return, and it’s been easier to function, not feeling so nauseated all the time. Now I am trying to remember to eat frequently so that I’m not overtaken by HANGER. Every pregnancy this catches me by surprise. I finish the constant snacking stage of morning sickness and resume regular eating habits only to be shocked at my emotional breakdowns simply because I’ve gotten too hungry.

I’ve heard baby’s heartbeat twice now and cried both times. Some may call me hormonal, but I say that my heart knows the abundant grace of God who has lavished this undeserved and unexpected blessing on my life. I’m overwhelmed by his goodness to me. In many ways it still doesn’t seem real.

So far I’ve managed to skate by without being categorized as “high risk.” My blood pressure remains very good, and I have had no issues with vertigo, other than the occasional moment, which is not uncommon in my day to day. My initial ultrasound looked very good, and baby has a strong heart rate. I saw our sweet little peanut moving around, at just 7 weeks gestation. Sweet, sweet life. So tiny.

Even though everything is going really well with the pregnancy, I am still being referred to a specialist at the end of January for my 20 week appointment. This is entirely because of my history. My doctor has assured me that this is only a precaution, and that it will likely be a one-time visit. If things should not go well, the specialist will keep me on for the remainder of my pregnancy. We will be on the look out for high blood pressure, which was likely the culprit of my stroke during my first pregnancy. I appreciate your continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy.

Sophie and Micah are very excited about the baby. They both would like a girl-baby. I have tried to prepare them for the possibility that they may get a boy-baby, but they remain convinced. They have ordered a girl-baby. We are still trying to decide if we will find out baby’s gender in January or if we will wait until June 19. 28 weeks to go!

“He has made everything beautiful in its time…”

I have a Morning Glory on my fence. It’s one of my favorite plants each year. I love the way it grows and climbs, and the bright blue flowers are exquisite. But this year, day after day, week after week, my Morning Glory didn’t bud or bloom. I was so disappointed. I thought it wasn’t going to bloom at all. After waiting all summer (because it’s a late bloomer), I thought there wasn’t going to be any reward for the wait. Humph. I was disgruntled by the uncooperative nature of my plant.

This unruly plant started my wheels turning, though, and I started seeing how frustrated I become by things that are outside my control. Motherhood has been one big lesson in relaxing for me, in letting go, slowing down. With my return to work this fall, we hit some parenting road blocks that I’ve been really frustrated about.

For instance, while I often use my blog to celebrate Sophie’s amazing progress, there are also many days that my heart is so frustrated over her snail’s pace. She learns things more slowly, and she is naturally a person who moves at a slower pace. My return to work has caused some regression in some of her behaviors as she strives to cope with her changing reality. Little ones can’t control very much about their lives, so when changes shift their worlds, they exert control in the only ways they can. For Micah, this is temper tantrums and emotional spewing. And that is just lovely. For Sophie, it’s regressing in areas of independence in order to achieve more attention by acting more dependent — wanting to be carried around, wanting to be fed, wetting her pants, pulling out her hair. We made so much progress in her independent function this summer, so it is extremely frustrating to see her regressing. And it’s hard knowing that her separation from me is rocking her equilibrium. I fought with Sophie for several weeks in these areas of regression, trying to get her to continue in the positive and independent behaviors we established this summer, but it was like banging my head against a wall. I couldn’t make her do it. I couldn’t force the bloom. When I finally saw what was happening and just let go, and just lavished her with love, she started to come out of her regressions.

Just like that plant — there wasn’t a darn thing I could do to make it bloom. There wasn’t a lot that I could do to move Sophie through this regression. I just had to wait. I got frustrated. I got tired of waiting. It felt like the bloom would never come. I’m guilty of wanting things to just happen right now; waiting is hard when the reward remains out of sight.

But then, in the first week of October, my Morning Glory sent out two beautiful blue flowers. They bloomed all day, revealing the depth of confusion in this plant. I now call it my “All Day Glory,” because it can be found with flowers on it just about any time of day. It’s been blooming for a month now, and more buds appear each day. In spite of the two hard frosts we’ve had, it blooms on.

Sometimes you just have to wait longer than expected for the bloom. But then when it does appear, it is more rewarding and more beautiful than a less anticipated bloom.

We have another bloom coming. It’s not a bloom we planned on or expected … It’s a bloom that I grieved and said goodbye to when I saw my final MRI results, when my neurologist confirmed again, “you’ve definitely suffered a stroke.” We were cautioned to consider carefully growing our family any further when doctors concluded my stroke was a result of pregnancy, and so I worked to envision my family as one of only four. I struggled. I prayed. I waited. And waited. And I accepted life. I grew content. I enjoyed being with my tribe. I loved my two babies. And now I will love a third.

After the mind-blowing shock has worn away, I find that I trust my Father’s timing. I always have. If I had been born when my parents desired me, I’d be a good decade older! For reasons known only to him, God has chosen this babe, and not the one I desired much sooner, the one that I let go of having. My heart feels certain that this has always been the plan. This person is the one God planned on. He or she is eternally significant. In June we will meet this sweet babe, our belated bloom.

Although we had altered our plans because of my health, God has re-orchestrated those plans once again. We trust that he is able to uphold my health throughout this pregnancy, and we ask for your prayers for my health. Each morning when I wake up, I am thankful to have another day. Somehow my heightened awareness of my fragility has bloomed a new gratitude for life in me and a new awareness of what really matters. Every day I’m given with Sophie and Micah and Andrew is a gift, and I am so thankful.

No matter what the next months hold, I have chosen to believe that God is big enough. He is big enough to keep me from another stroke. He is big enough to protect my life. And if he chooses otherwise, then he is big enough to keep my beloved husband and my sweet babies in his care. He is big enough.

It’s been a little over three weeks since Andrew lost his job, and quite frankly, I’m tired of talking about it. But, there’s a lot to say yet, some things I still need to share. In case you hadn’t heard, my husband’s company did a large and unexpected lay off on August 8 and 9. Andrew left for work on that Monday morning, and at just after 9am, he called me to say he was coming home, his position had been eliminated. Just like that. After eight loyal years in which he helped the company profits grow by the millions. Done. Reality is his salary was the highest of the people in his position because he had the most seniority. So, he got cut, instead of the single guy who’s been there 18 months. I still feel anger and hurt when I think about it. It sucked.

But as I prayed through that first day, trying to process my new life, I had the oddest sense that God was saying, “If you could only see things from my perspective, you would be rejoicing.” I certainly raised an eyebrow to that whisper. And I’m still not quite sure what to make of it.

So many people have shared encouraging stories with us about times in their lives when God provided for their every need in situations similar to ours. And many people have reassured us that God must have something good or better in store for Andrew’s career. I fully believe all of that. But as we’ve lived out these three weeks, I’ve seen that it’s not just a good destination we are heading for, it’s a good right now, too.

Several people pointed me to passages in Psalm 37 when they heard our news. One phrase in particular did that jump-off-the-page thing for me — “dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.” There’s nothing about self-preservation, working to provide for yourself, guarding against disaster, shoring up for hard times.

It’s simple. Dwell. Enjoy.

There’s no need for frantic worry and scrambling about. Why? Because God has covered us. I believe in this season we will see the good both right now and in the destination. We hope we will not have to eat peanut butter and jelly every night for a week. But there may be lean times before us. There may be less than desirable work. But there is always God in his goodness, spicing things up.

In just three weeks we’ve already seen an abundance of good poured out in our lives. We have spent every waking hour together as a family. And once we figured out how to do that, it became a huge blessing. I love the friendship that Andrew and I share as we raise our kids. It is sweet to spend some of these fleeting days all together when our kids are so little, just enjoying each other. In addition, we’ve received SO much support through prayer and encouragement that it takes my breath away! On top of that, we’ve seen friends lining up free doctor appointments for the kids when they were sick. Free! Who does that? That’s amazing! (And we have awesome friends!) Envelopes of cash have been left for us at church and mailed to us by friends. What?! Such an amazing church family! Fresh garden veggies shared with us. Yum!! An iPad given to us to replace the one that Andrew had to return to his work. That is beyond basic provision to outright kindness! What’s more, we have been offered a vacation to the beach, expenses paid! Blow-your-socks-off kindness!

Because of this new place in life, I am returning to work as well, part time. When I shared this news with a friend, she came to tears as she reminded me of a conversation we had just a month ago. I shared with her a restlessness in my heart, a need to teach. But I had no idea whom I was to teach. Now I will have the opportunity to teach at risk youth who cannot attend traditional high school for a variety of reasons (truancy, expulsion, becoming parents, etc), through an evening program at our Educational Success Center. I expect these kids will need to be poured into and believed in. I have a heart for these kids.

I cannot look at the last three weeks and just think, “Gee, I hope we are headed for a good destination.” No, because we are in the midst of the good, even now. This is not to say that our circumstances determine whether or not life is “good,” and they certainly don’t define God’s goodness. I simply want to thank God for his immense kindness to us in the past three weeks. It is so evident how much he loves us and, yes, has good things in store for us, even though it may look different than what we planned. Yes, there is uncertainty. We are in the least secure position we’ve ever been in as a family. And yet, we know we are totally secure. If we placed our security in Andrew’s job before, we were mistaken. In these three weeks we have realized that risks or no, job or no job, we are secure. Because we serve the King of the World. Every last thing on this earth is his. We know we are secure in his goodness and care for us.